If your childhood environment was hostile or emotionally unstable, you may have learned to regulate your nervous system by attending to other peoples needs above your own.

 

This comes across in adulthood as ‘keeping the peace’ rather than speaking up because the stress of conflict or confrontation feels worse than saying how you feel. You may not even be aware this is occuring as a common side effect of please pleasing is numbing your own emotions.

 

Prolonged periods of people pleasing and attending to the needs of others, actually causes disregulation in your own nervous system. It’s recognisable by asking yourself a question like “what do I want my life to look like?” If you’re not sure and can’t answer the question in detail, or can only answer it by reeling off all the things you dont want it’s time to get to know yourself more! 

 

Begin by attending to your own emotional needs and setting some healthy boundries. I always encourage this to be done in kindness and love, it’s about learning to say no to others and yes to yourself.

 

If you find this task difficult, think about how you will feel when saying no to someone. Is it a feeling of disappointment that may occur or resentment? Will you disappoint someone for say ‘no’ to something or will you say ‘yes’ and then resent doing it because you should’ve said no in the first place?

 

The term ‘People pleasing’ isn’t necessarily about pleasing others all the time. It’s quite often about avoiding the feelings and emotions that arise within yourself when you disappoint others. Practicing saying no to others and yes to yourself, familiarises these feelings instead of avoiding them.